A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,"how long before I can get a haircut"?,the barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "about two hours"the guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,"how long before I can get a haircut"?,the reply "about three hours",the guy left.

A week later the same guy asked the same question,the reply "about an hour and half" the guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said "Hey Bill,do me a favour,follow that guy and see where he goes,he keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but he never returns".

A short time later,Bill returns laughing hysterically,the barber asks,"So where does he go when he leaves"? Bill looks up tears in his eyes and said "Your house"

sorry if this one offends but i thought it was funny

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's
office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You
have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I
do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a
head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it
off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."
******
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £ 5,000 that he jumps!" to
which Beckham replies, "£5,000?
Done! I bet that he doesn't". So they shake hands on the bet and continue
watching. Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud
thud.

Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she
refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says "The truth is I was
cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, babes, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I
was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just
didn't think he would do it again."

lol! Another one:

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are
in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10, where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a
job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks
a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and
that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured
out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore